Fear

And all of sudden I feel that ick - embarrassment, insecurity, like high school awkwardly came back all over again in that moment.

Today is day 5 of this new workout routine I started. Its been well over a year since I’ve done any weight lifting or actual exercise and it all feels a bit awkward in my body.

The program required I get a gym membership and at first I was all for it. I mean since before COVID I started working from home so strangely enough a gym membership was exciting!

Then it came rushing back to me - why I hated going to the gym. Not knowing how to use the machines, being seen, watched, mocked - it felt gross to think about. But I don’t have it in me to back out on this especially with someone keeping me accountable.

So Day One comes around. I go in with my little gym bag and find a bench near the (obviously lighter weights) and sit. I start my lifting. Of course my form is kind of everywhere so I keep watching and rewatching the demonstration video on my phone to brand it into my brain. Then I move into the next exercise and the next and eventually I catch a glance of this guy kind of smirking at me. And all of sudden I feel that ick - embarrassment, insecurity, like high school awkwardly came back all over again in that moment. But it wasn’t as bad as I had imagined before. I feel like my imagination of what could happen was so much worse than what did. And then I thought of what if it was worse? What if the dude said awful things to me?

I’d probably be peeved and go tell him where to go but in the end it would be over in a minute. I’d continue doing my thing and he would too.

Fear of something bad happening, of pain or discomfort, can sometimes be more intense than the thing itself. It’s still discomfort yes - pain hurts for sure but our mind can make us believe we can’t endure anything.

Our mind protects us and it is necessary for survival but in many cases our mind can keep us from going for things we want to accomplish.

We need to befriend the aspects of ourselves that want to stay protected and remind them that fear can become a cage if unchecked. Discomfort just like anything else is in this world is temporary. And in the end what’s to be gained from pushing through is immeasurable for mind, body, and soul.